There’s three things I’m still reluctant to blog about. And that worries me.
Here I am, a fairly articulate person, used to blogging about anything that comes to mind and yet I have procrastinated about talking about these things for….well years frankly - in one case most of my life.
The starting point should be easy. Name them. But I’m even having difficulty doing that. So before I do (if I can overcome this self-imposed mental block) I should maybe explore my difficulty.
Am I reined in because…
- It’s self-indulgent. It’s simply putting my hang-ups out there to elicit sympathy. That would imply that I see myself as…
- A victim. And victims deserve sympathy (probably with copious cups of tea). But of course being a victim removes the element of self-determination and control. Victims don’t choose to be.
- I’m scared what people will think of me. If I stick my head over the parapet, will I get shot? What will my employers think if they read this? EVen if no-one says anything directly to me, will it colour how they treat me and think about my abilities?
- I simply consider it a sign of weakness to have these hang-ups and I’m ashamed of myself. Big boys famously don’t cry.
- Am I simply seeking catharsis or do I genuinely want to enrich or inspire my readers? Do I actually have a message of hope? I’m sure in one case I do, but what about the others?
So what are these taboo subjects?
Depression.
I know all the figures, the impact that it has on so many people’s lives. It’s symptoms are different in every sufferer and I suspect so is the route to eradicating it. I know that my emotions, in fact the whole “essence” of who I am is simply a mix of chemicals and electrical impulses, but I also know it’s not like dyspepsia or an arrhythmic heart beat which can be treated either by fixing the chemical imbalance or stabilising the electrical currents. Or maybe I should say “won’t” be treated as the cures affect who we are, not what we are. So talking about the depression that I have is probably simply creating a narrative of my inability to celebrate the good things in my life enough to overwhelm the feelings of failure and loss.
The effects of the radical nerve-sparing prostatectomy.
I’m not alone in this. But I’ve struggled to find any balm in the texts that are available. I didn’t ask the questions I should have because I am single and the last thing on my mind when I was being treated was my perception of my “manliness”. But now…. The physical effects are simply symptoms of the surgery and surely I should be able to share my experiences to inform the thousands and thousands of other men who have been through this or who will go through it. It’s as common as rain fall in a Scottish summer. So which of my bullet points is stopping me from exposing my feelings of lost “manliness”? And how does this experience and my inability to talk about it in the wild feed into depression
The treatment I received at Mayfield College.
There. I can’t even name it in the heading. Abuse. At the hands of certain Xaverian “brothers”. There’s plenty of people who come forward and “have the courage” to disclose. Why do I choose not to? And allow this too to add piquancy to my depression?
So I have to choose whether to make an enduring record of these three things. Either locked away in my head or made available to anyone who reads this.
So far it’s been “sit on it. Repress it. The consequences could be enormous” That’s probably not good for me. But is it the lesser of two evils?
